It’s as inevitable as the red ring of death: the inappropriately dressed character. For as long as we have been saving worlds and princesses, our heroes have been clad in mini skirts, flowing robes and string bikinis. We thought we would give you the top 6 most impossible game costumes and look upon them with a critically realistic eye. Can you imagine fighting the undead, pirates, an army… or an army of undead pirates… in these crazy looks for real!?
Bayonetta ‘ensemble’
(Self titled) Bayonetta
You’ve never seen a witch like this before. Living up to every boys’ fantasy, she sports librarian glasses and a high pony tail. Her skin tight body suit looks to be some sort of latex, but a closer look reveals it’s actually made of her own hair. Now THAT’S some witchcraft. It has precariously placed holes and a giant medallion around her neck, one can assume only to draw attention to her very voluptuous and not supported breasts.
Bayonetta takes fashion and functionality one step further with pistols built into her stilettos. Killer Style indeed!
Jill Valentine
Resident Evil
So the Umbrella Corporation has released its ravenous zombies on your town, what do you throw on to fight them? A mini skirt, of course!
Jill’s tiny skirt provides little coverage for her nether regions, while also constricting her strides if she breaks into a run. Something that should never be worried about when facing a zombie apocalypse.
To complete the look, she grabs a strapless vibrant blue top. Ladies, strapless? If gravity worked the same in games as it does in reality, she’d be yanking on that top constantly to avoid the dreaded nip slip.
Ezio’s Robes
Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood
Ezio runs around ancient Rome in a fairly bad ass ensemble of red and white assassin attire. As you play through the game, it gets increasingly silly including a wolf head and more layers of capes. Imagine scaling a building in that getup. Now think of bird walking across the upper walls of collapsed houses with a Mercanario War Hammer attached to your waist.
While incredibly useful in taking down guards and pick pockets, it’s over half the size of Ezio and carries some weight. He would look less like a nimble gazelle flying over obstacles in a bound, and more like an oaf-some sloth.
Captain Titus’ Shoulder Pads
War Hammer: Space Marine
Speaking of War hammers, Captain Titus is so confident in his Orc fighting abilities that he has given up his peripheral view thanks to massive shoulder pads. The extreme upper body-ware has the ability to protect his torso and shoulders as well as his head since they extend to his eye level. It can only be imagined that under the sheer weight of the metal protective gear, he couldn’t carry himself, let alone the enormous weaponry he is known for. Just don’t sneak up beside him.
Lara Croft’s Short Shorts and Tank Top
Tomb Raider: Legends
Oh, the classics. Lara sports an array of elaborate costuming through her games. Let’s face it, who wouldn’t need to change it up after ten games and 16 years?
Still her turquoise tank and khaki shorts are a video game staple. While the top may offer her some temperature control for exploring humid caverns, the lack of support gives the privileged spelunker a lovely bounce effect. More iconic than Lara’s tank top are what’s under it as Angelina Jolie learned, playing the character for film adaptations.
“Lara doesn’t apologize for herself, and for having that, you know, recognizable shape, so I’m not going to apologize for her either,” Jolie said. “Personally, I wouldn’t want those breasts; they seem kinda funny to me.”
Spend any time climbing through the jungles of the world in shorts and you will realize the error of your ways with scratches up and down your legs from gnarled branches and jagged bushes.
Ivy (Isabella Valentine) – Tactically ‘Bust’ed
Soul Caliber VI
Are. You. Serious?
The majority of Ivy’s material in her ‘wardrobe’ is in her purple snakeskin thigh high boots. The rest of her nakedness is covered by mere string and sweetener packets sized pieces of material. The barely there look was censored and covered by a lavender catsuit in some arcade versions of the game.
Throwing around her whip of a snake sword and fighting to destroy the soul sword seems dangerous, in that with one accidental cut of a string, she could distract Nightmare with her uber bloated boobies. It could be a great fighting tactic, while avenging her undead pirate father against the male populous.
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